Hey all...
I have been notoriously bad about updating on here.
I think it's because it was too personal, too real, too broad.
I couldn't' always find the positive spin to the struggles I faced while trying to parent and school and struggled to find the time and motivation to write about it.
So, I didn't. I thought about it, and took notes for possible blogs, but didn't follow through and eventually I made it all the way to the last step. All I have left is writing the last chapter of my dissertation. And, my life is moving in new and exciting and different directions and I would like to invite you to join me.
I am moving to www.liveyourvalueseveryday.com a site in which I have challenged myself (and family) and several other families with whom we are friends to attempt to live our values for an entire year. Feel free to follow our journey, to try to live your own values, or to share your stories with me on that forum. I apologize to any of you whom I let down with my poor follow through on this venture. My hope is that by having a targeted topic and others for whom I am accountable will help me keep this new venture on track. I look forward to this new journey and I hope to see some of your there! --Ashley
3 under 3 AND a PhD
A mother of three girls and a boy (between the ages of 1 and 5) trying to navigate the competing worlds of relatively new mommyhood and a doctoral program simultaneously...her journey, lessons learned, and support to all types of motherhood struggling to find their ways and make the best life for their children....please read, comment, and discuss!
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Friday, September 7, 2018
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Shouldn't keep silent...so, WAKE UP!
In the light of the continued violence, and the coincidental (or is it?) fact that while given time to work on dissertation proposal stuff today, I can't get into my school's library website (you know, where I have all of my articles saved), I feel the need (and have an extended amount of time) to discuss the police violence.
It is a problem. It has always been a problem and likely always will be without systemic change. Power corrupts. Regardless of who you are, how you are. There is a lure in the power over other living things. This is clear when my kids pull legs off of a bug "just to see what happens" or when I feel a sense of relief and mightiness when I finally shove our dog into his cage after 10 minutes of tussling. I am not saying this is morally right or okay, but it is. It is fact. It is human nature. And, it is nasty, troublesome, and worrisome. And, it is costing lives and the stability of our most precarious communities.
It is also innate and, often, unnoticed by those who succumb to it. Almost like the slippery slope we often discuss in ethical dilemmas--power is a slippery slope. It can be used for so much good, but one misstep, one power/fear based response leads to the ease in making more of these responses. This is true no matter what other factors are present. It was true in the Stanford prison trials, it is true in wars, it is true in the dynamics between parents and children, correctional facilities, schools....the list goes on. It is true in any power dynamic where one individual is implicitly more in power and in control.
Then we add culture and things get even messier! Add a culture of "us" vs. "them" and that power differential becomes even clearer. Add years of media in which cops are depicted as dirty, out to get the little guy, and untrustworthy assholes AND in which Blacks, particularly Black males are depicted as gang-bangers, thugs, noncompliant, shit starters that are loud and blatantly ignorant and unreasonable AND in which young men (White or Black--though the black ones are often also depicted as described above) are depicted as mouthy, disrespectful, drug abusers. And the fact that this media is not incorrect in some, maybe even many cases, and that each culture (the police departments and the Black communities) are teaching their new recruits/their children to be aware of these unfortunate realities that may exist in interactions with another.
And we have this absolute mess. We have police, who should be level-headed and calm, approaching cars containing Black men already making judgment calls about the kind of person they are pulling over. There may be fear, there may be hatred, there may just be a well honed sense of othering as a "fact" of life, which if we are being honest may be the worst possible scenario--this imbedded othering that is not even slightly conscious. We have Black men and women, and young men of all races, who see the police and are scared and/or angry. Who immediately know they were pulled for demographic reasons. Who have to attempt to assuage the officers by being overly polite. Who can't be "too nice" because that is suspicious and who have to be aware of every single word, movement, and expression they make because anything can be taken as a sign of resistance, of refusal to give in to the inherent power of the police.
Are all police this? Probably not. Do all Black men/young men experience this? Probably not. Does it occur? YES. More than we know. Social media has opened our collective eyes to this, but it is nothing new. It's just more visible now. And for those of you who say it happens to everyone--you're right it does. However, there is no doubt it happens to Blacks in disproportionate numbers. They are pulled over and involved in altercations with police at nearly twice the percentage of that which they represent in the population.
So, what do we do? Before the nation erupts into an all out race war. Because though race is a driving force in this issue, it is not the only one. The racial differences provide fuel to the fire. The othering provides all the opportunity to turn this into an "us" vs "them" issue...but it's deeper than that. It is an abuse of power. It is cultural responses to years of systemic abuses. It has started with Black men, but it won't stop there...it never does.
We need to stop. We need to reevaluate. We need to examine the values, culture, and roles of the men and women in charge. They are the ones with the power. They are the ones who need to show change....they need to earn the respect of the citizens whom they protect--not through violence and power. That doesn't work--at least not long term, as the shootings in Dallas suggest. Fear based power is not viable for the long-term. Go back to the basics. Treat people with respect. If you pull over someone and they are being an asshole, no need to be one back. No need to climb on a public transportation bus to reprimand a teenager who smiled at you! This is not how you gain the respect of the people you serve. This is how you ensure another generation of cop haters and cop killers. This suggestion won't make much of a difference right now, but it can make such a difference for the next generation. Training programs for incoming cops, regular re-evaluations, scenario based practices, self-care and diversity programming, daily interactions with the community that are not power-based, town halls, empowerment of the community. They all can make a difference. This doesn't mean the communities have the right to be disrespectful or hateful, it doesn't mean cop-killing is justified. It means things need to change, and those with the power need to do the changing first, because if they don't, the change initiated by the ones without the power are often, historically, violent and shattering.
What are your thoughts, reader? How do you discuss this with/around your children, if you have any? Do you teach your children to fear the police? Do you teach them to fear you?
It is a problem. It has always been a problem and likely always will be without systemic change. Power corrupts. Regardless of who you are, how you are. There is a lure in the power over other living things. This is clear when my kids pull legs off of a bug "just to see what happens" or when I feel a sense of relief and mightiness when I finally shove our dog into his cage after 10 minutes of tussling. I am not saying this is morally right or okay, but it is. It is fact. It is human nature. And, it is nasty, troublesome, and worrisome. And, it is costing lives and the stability of our most precarious communities.
It is also innate and, often, unnoticed by those who succumb to it. Almost like the slippery slope we often discuss in ethical dilemmas--power is a slippery slope. It can be used for so much good, but one misstep, one power/fear based response leads to the ease in making more of these responses. This is true no matter what other factors are present. It was true in the Stanford prison trials, it is true in wars, it is true in the dynamics between parents and children, correctional facilities, schools....the list goes on. It is true in any power dynamic where one individual is implicitly more in power and in control.
Then we add culture and things get even messier! Add a culture of "us" vs. "them" and that power differential becomes even clearer. Add years of media in which cops are depicted as dirty, out to get the little guy, and untrustworthy assholes AND in which Blacks, particularly Black males are depicted as gang-bangers, thugs, noncompliant, shit starters that are loud and blatantly ignorant and unreasonable AND in which young men (White or Black--though the black ones are often also depicted as described above) are depicted as mouthy, disrespectful, drug abusers. And the fact that this media is not incorrect in some, maybe even many cases, and that each culture (the police departments and the Black communities) are teaching their new recruits/their children to be aware of these unfortunate realities that may exist in interactions with another.
And we have this absolute mess. We have police, who should be level-headed and calm, approaching cars containing Black men already making judgment calls about the kind of person they are pulling over. There may be fear, there may be hatred, there may just be a well honed sense of othering as a "fact" of life, which if we are being honest may be the worst possible scenario--this imbedded othering that is not even slightly conscious. We have Black men and women, and young men of all races, who see the police and are scared and/or angry. Who immediately know they were pulled for demographic reasons. Who have to attempt to assuage the officers by being overly polite. Who can't be "too nice" because that is suspicious and who have to be aware of every single word, movement, and expression they make because anything can be taken as a sign of resistance, of refusal to give in to the inherent power of the police.
Are all police this? Probably not. Do all Black men/young men experience this? Probably not. Does it occur? YES. More than we know. Social media has opened our collective eyes to this, but it is nothing new. It's just more visible now. And for those of you who say it happens to everyone--you're right it does. However, there is no doubt it happens to Blacks in disproportionate numbers. They are pulled over and involved in altercations with police at nearly twice the percentage of that which they represent in the population.
So, what do we do? Before the nation erupts into an all out race war. Because though race is a driving force in this issue, it is not the only one. The racial differences provide fuel to the fire. The othering provides all the opportunity to turn this into an "us" vs "them" issue...but it's deeper than that. It is an abuse of power. It is cultural responses to years of systemic abuses. It has started with Black men, but it won't stop there...it never does.
We need to stop. We need to reevaluate. We need to examine the values, culture, and roles of the men and women in charge. They are the ones with the power. They are the ones who need to show change....they need to earn the respect of the citizens whom they protect--not through violence and power. That doesn't work--at least not long term, as the shootings in Dallas suggest. Fear based power is not viable for the long-term. Go back to the basics. Treat people with respect. If you pull over someone and they are being an asshole, no need to be one back. No need to climb on a public transportation bus to reprimand a teenager who smiled at you! This is not how you gain the respect of the people you serve. This is how you ensure another generation of cop haters and cop killers. This suggestion won't make much of a difference right now, but it can make such a difference for the next generation. Training programs for incoming cops, regular re-evaluations, scenario based practices, self-care and diversity programming, daily interactions with the community that are not power-based, town halls, empowerment of the community. They all can make a difference. This doesn't mean the communities have the right to be disrespectful or hateful, it doesn't mean cop-killing is justified. It means things need to change, and those with the power need to do the changing first, because if they don't, the change initiated by the ones without the power are often, historically, violent and shattering.
What are your thoughts, reader? How do you discuss this with/around your children, if you have any? Do you teach your children to fear the police? Do you teach them to fear you?
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Integrating Over Balancing
In the last post, I wrote about my difficulties in balancing my self as a mother and my self as a student. The struggle I was experiencing in balancing, in fully living two different roles in my life, made me think of the literature surrounding identity development, particularly for minorities. As one moves through identity development, they tend to hold on more strongly to one identity or way of being (such as an African American moving from holding on to the cultural norms of the majority and trying to pass, then, after experiencing microagressions or other negative race related experiences from the cultural majority they often fully embrace the minority identity and reject the majority.) With additional self-reflection, awareness, and an environment that allows for this type of personal exploration and growth, the final stage of identity development is often some type of integration. This is the individual's ability to live in the margin of their intersecting identities. An African American is both of African descent (Black) and an American. This means they experience both what it is to be Black and what it is to be expected to live within the norms of the majority (American culture).
While attempting to balance, I realize now that I was attempting to fully embrace one identity as a time, that of student or that of mother. I tried so hard to keep the two separate. Bringing them together felt vulnerable and weak. I should have been able to seamlessly move amongst and between the two identities without either bleeding into the other but I couldn't. No one could, at least not forever--even someone who has only known these two identities as existing together. I, personally, have been doing this since the birth of my first child AND my first year of graduate school, entering into my 7th year!) Then, I was faced with a reality in which I could not choose one identity over the other. I finally had that moment where they had to exist together. That moment when I couldn't fulfill the role of student because of my role as parent. I could not turn in an important assignment because sick kids (and a power outage of all things) made it impossible. I had to accept the role my self as parent played in this late assignment when letting my professor know my assignment would be late. AND....
IT WASN'T THE END OF THE WORLD. It was OK for me to be a parent AND a student. My faculty understood. They didn't see me as weak or trying to make excuses. They saw me for what I was--trying my best to be a good mom and a good student. After this experience, I talked with my husband about this experience and I realized maybe my self as student and my self as parent have influenced one another in more positive ways than I had initially considered.
I would not be the child therapist I am without having my own experiences as a mother--rapport building is easier and I come with a great box of fun games and toys and a working knowledge of most cartoons.
I understand and can empathize with parents much more efficiently than I did prior to being a parent. I get what it's like to be so frustrated with your children you want to shake them, to be at the end of your rope, to feel hopeless and helpless, afraid, and alone. And, the parents can tell that I know this.
I am so much more forgiving of my children, my clients, and their parents.
I have a great grasp of lifespan development, wonderful behavior management techniques, and access to databases and resources if ever my children need additional supports.
I am a student parent at all times, in all ways. The moment I started accepting that and integrating the roles I felt such a sense of relief. It is okay for me to be both. I don't have to give one up to lean into the other (as I would were I balancing) but, instead, I am able to lean into one, while pulling the other with me. When I'm really focused on myself as student, my role as mother is still there, informing my knowledge, awareness, and skills building and utilization. When I'm home with my kids and focused on them, my role as a student is still there informing my decisions in how I choose to interact with my children and how I reflect on my choices and plan for the future of our family. I feel stronger. I feel more effective. And I feel like I can begin to forgive myself for not always being the best in one identity or the other, as long as I am being the best student parent I can.
That being said, I think it is important to also share this:
6 full years of trying to navigate competing identities and I already feel as if I have barely escaped full mental breakdowns multiple times. I can not imagine balancing marginalized identities for my entire life. I recognize in this blog both my ignorance and my privilege as I work through and discuss my struggles in reconciling two very privileged identities (doctoral student and mother) and the realities of those who are attempting to integrate minority and less privileged identities within the context of mainstream culture.
What experiences do you have in integrating roles/selves? How have you managed to find a way to be more than one "self" at the same time? Was it a more authentic feeling or a struggle?
While attempting to balance, I realize now that I was attempting to fully embrace one identity as a time, that of student or that of mother. I tried so hard to keep the two separate. Bringing them together felt vulnerable and weak. I should have been able to seamlessly move amongst and between the two identities without either bleeding into the other but I couldn't. No one could, at least not forever--even someone who has only known these two identities as existing together. I, personally, have been doing this since the birth of my first child AND my first year of graduate school, entering into my 7th year!) Then, I was faced with a reality in which I could not choose one identity over the other. I finally had that moment where they had to exist together. That moment when I couldn't fulfill the role of student because of my role as parent. I could not turn in an important assignment because sick kids (and a power outage of all things) made it impossible. I had to accept the role my self as parent played in this late assignment when letting my professor know my assignment would be late. AND....
IT WASN'T THE END OF THE WORLD. It was OK for me to be a parent AND a student. My faculty understood. They didn't see me as weak or trying to make excuses. They saw me for what I was--trying my best to be a good mom and a good student. After this experience, I talked with my husband about this experience and I realized maybe my self as student and my self as parent have influenced one another in more positive ways than I had initially considered.
I would not be the child therapist I am without having my own experiences as a mother--rapport building is easier and I come with a great box of fun games and toys and a working knowledge of most cartoons.
I understand and can empathize with parents much more efficiently than I did prior to being a parent. I get what it's like to be so frustrated with your children you want to shake them, to be at the end of your rope, to feel hopeless and helpless, afraid, and alone. And, the parents can tell that I know this.
I am so much more forgiving of my children, my clients, and their parents.
I have a great grasp of lifespan development, wonderful behavior management techniques, and access to databases and resources if ever my children need additional supports.
I am a student parent at all times, in all ways. The moment I started accepting that and integrating the roles I felt such a sense of relief. It is okay for me to be both. I don't have to give one up to lean into the other (as I would were I balancing) but, instead, I am able to lean into one, while pulling the other with me. When I'm really focused on myself as student, my role as mother is still there, informing my knowledge, awareness, and skills building and utilization. When I'm home with my kids and focused on them, my role as a student is still there informing my decisions in how I choose to interact with my children and how I reflect on my choices and plan for the future of our family. I feel stronger. I feel more effective. And I feel like I can begin to forgive myself for not always being the best in one identity or the other, as long as I am being the best student parent I can.
That being said, I think it is important to also share this:
6 full years of trying to navigate competing identities and I already feel as if I have barely escaped full mental breakdowns multiple times. I can not imagine balancing marginalized identities for my entire life. I recognize in this blog both my ignorance and my privilege as I work through and discuss my struggles in reconciling two very privileged identities (doctoral student and mother) and the realities of those who are attempting to integrate minority and less privileged identities within the context of mainstream culture.
What experiences do you have in integrating roles/selves? How have you managed to find a way to be more than one "self" at the same time? Was it a more authentic feeling or a struggle?
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